Malia, I am not be sure what day I asked you to marry me, because it was on the 11/29-11/30 line, but I know I did, and I know you said yes. As I write this post, I’m sitting on the couch at the end of the bed that you call some french sounding name I can’t remember the name of at the moment, writing this post on your lap top.
I had to write this while all of the emotions are running through me, because I want you to know exactly how you make me feel, and what you mean to me. Baby, fuck that car! Fuck that car!! I love you so much. I can’t believe what I did to you earlier today. I was so selfish and hurtful over a stupid car. The truth is, it’s nearly impossible to drive, so most of the time I just sit in the parking garage, while I listen to the James Bond theme song and pretend like I’m James Bond, because I’m sitting in a car they used in a bond movie.
I knew yesterday/today would be important some how. I can’t explain it. This morning while you were in the shower and I was pooping, your Ipad was on the sink and I grabbed it, because I was going to see what was going on in the world. Your calendar was up on the screen, and before you stuck your head out of the shower and I put the Ipad down, I looked at your calendar. I wasn’t being noisy of course, because we don’t have any passwords on anything, but I have to say, you are an angel. My god I’m a fool for caring about that car. The look on your face made me want to die on the spot. I am so sorry. I would beg you to forgive me but number one, I don’t deserve it, and number two, you are so amazing that I know you probably forgave me in like 2 minutes.
Every single thing on your calendar was for me! 8 to 9 Wash MJ’s clothes. 9 to 10 call MJ’s lawyer to make sure everything my lawyer needs, she has for a meeting. 10 to 11 was really sexy quite frankly, but thank you for cleaning up for the evening’s activities. Every activity you had on the calendar was something for me. I suck Malia. I wish I could have that moment back tonight so badly. I don’t know anyone like Malia. When the elevator repair vehicles had your car blocked in, and you couldn’t find them, to ask them to move their vehicles, you had Kenny the cleaning guy teach you how to drive a stick, so you could take my DB7 around the corner to get my favorite food for me tonight, because you knew I had a rough day. You are so amazing. To think I could have lost you tonight and my first comment was- “I can’t believe you wrecked my car. What’s wrong with you? Fuck! This car is irreplaceable. There are only like 10 of these in the whole friggin world.”
I had no idea that you had a panic attack and the paramedics came earlier in the day, because you were so scared that you would wreck my car and I would hate you, but you overcame all of that because you thought “I deserved to have my favorite food, because I had a really hard day”.
When I came to apologize to you tonight, you said- “Will you ever let me go?” I didn’t like my answer then either- “No”. What I should have said, was- I can’t let go of you, because you are a part of me, and you can’t let go of a part of yourself. Malia, you are forever. I can’t live without you. It’s proven at this point I think. The truth is, I was going to wait until your birthday, on December 30th, to ask you to marry me. I was going to give you me, my life, and the ring you said you loved that I couldn’t afford to buy a year ago, but I’m glad the ring fell out of my book bag and you saw it. I’m sorry I teased you with all of those fake rings and proposals before, but I had to practice, but I would have died if you said no. You didn’t even take me seriously when the ring fell out, we just both stood there and you said, I’m not fallin for it this time. But this time, tears ran down my face, and I knew you knew I was serious. I can’t believe I asked another question first but your answer will go down in the record books, as one of the best answers to a question ever…..
MJ: Malia May Dupont, I’m not sure your family is going to approve of this, but I know you’re the one, without a doubt. Malia, realize, just like when you wouldn’t go out with me way back when, and I kept asking you anyway, until you finally said yes?
Malia: Michael David Johnson, my Mom always told me I was attracted to bad boys. She said I would probably end up with the baddest one, but they weren’t bad enough for me, I needed somebody Terrible.
MJ: (Speechless with tears)
MJ: (Still speechless with tears)
Malia: You don’t have to ask me MJ. If you would have asked me in Baltimore, on our first date, when you walked me up the stairs to the front entryway door, when you could barely walk after your subdural hematoma removal surgery, to marry me, I think I would have said yes, when we were at the restaurant, and you basically had a snuggie on, because you couldn’t wear regular street clothes, and you told the waiter at Collettes, you were “Pretty fly for a white guy.”
MJ: Will you please come with me Malia?
Malia: Of course.
MJ: Baby, I can’t go back in time to earlier tonight, but please stand back.
Side note- I grabbed the metal curtain rod in the trunk of my other car, and hit the Bond car probably 5 times with it.
Malia: What are you doing? You’re crazy!
MJ: Yes, I am. I’m crazy about you.
Side note- Very aggressive kissing and what not broke out, that led to some high school style action in the Bondmobile. She ended up in the drivers seat and I ended up in the passenger seat.
Malia: The last time I was in this seat, I had a panic attack. This experience was much better, twice!
Malia: Do you want me to move over into the passenger seat, so you can sit in the drivers seat, so you can ask me?
MJ: Ask you what?
Malia: Ask me to marry you?
MJ: You think I’m going to ask you now?
Malia: Yes I do. Do you want to be James Bond and get the girl or what?
MJ: I am okay with sitting right here, just as long as I get to be in the same car as you.
Malia: Ask me! Ask me! Ask me! I told my Mom you were going to ask me and I want to call here and tell her!
MJ: I don’t have the ring.
Malia: It’s okay. I loved this proposal! I got to wreck your car, have mind blowing sex, and I got the ring I wanted! Yay me!
Side note- I know Malia very well, and she never complains. She is so amazing, that she didn’t even complain that I got the wrong ring. That’s right! I wrong ringed her again, and I’m betting she thought I tried really hard, so she was just going to go with it, but baby, I’m betting when you get up in the morning, and the right ring is on your finger, tomorrow morning/in about 2 hours, you are going to realize how much I really love you, and how much I pay attention to what you are saying.
Last side note- Malia grinds her teeth when she sleeps. Sometimes it feels like I’m sleeping next to a Velociraptor.