Malia: How are you already up and working? You didn’t sleep. Ugh! If you were up here right now. I’m in the mood.
MJ: Well you’re in luck! Because I’m in bathroom. Oh, and I’m in the mother fuckin mood as well.
Malia: Wait. What? Why did you say mother fuckin mood?
MJ: No reason at all. It was just a phrase.
Malia: Michael David Johnson you come clean with me right now.
MJ: Wow! Feisty this morning.
Malia: Why does it take you an hour to poop?
MJ: Did you know Chris taught CJ about the butt crack of dawn and dropping dukes in the toilet? You know, dookies.
Malia: I have no idea how your ex didn’t know it wasn’t you living in that house. Do you know something?
MJ: Like what?
Malia: You got to her didn’t you?
MJ: Got to who?
Malia: I hate you!
MJ: I love you has the same amount of letters. Wouldn’t you rather say that?
MJ: What’s a matter? Don’t you want to do baby making practice?
MJ: Kristis not here. Why bring up her name?
Malia: Omg I can smell your shit. Can I change my mind about being in the mood?
MJ: Your sense of smell seems heightened. That’s the way you get when you’re prego. Have you taken a test recently?
Malia: I’m ready to have sex now when you get out of the bathroom.
MJ: Have you taken a pregnancy test recently?
Malia: What? Is this an interrogation or something? Jesus!
MJ: It was just a simple question. Have you?
Malia: MJ, can I ask you for a favor? It’s a big one, but I need you to do it anyway.
MJ: You know I would do anything for you.
Malia: Please pretend like you don’t know what you think you know.
MJ: Ok, but I’m really happy about the thing that I’m pretending not to know about.
Malia: Well, you might not be. Let’s just have morning sex now.
Malia: Baby! Don’t think about. Just relax. Take some deep breaths. It is going to fine. Theres a plan in place.
MJ: If it’s not us, that means its.
Marcus: Be happy for us man. Kristi and I want you to be our babies Godfather. We were going to tell your ass tonight, but you are like the FBI. You always figure shit out.
MJ: You and Kristi have been fighting and shit recently. I thought yall having a baby, might tear yall apart. Which in turn, would break up Team Digital Death.
Malia: What MJ is trying to say, is he is really happy for you guys.
MJ: I am happy for you. I’m surprised Kristi wants to have it. She has said like a million times that she only wants to have kids when she’s married.
Marcus: That’s what the arguing has been about, but Kristi and I came to an agreement. Are you still in the shitter?
Marcus: MJ, I want to talk to you about something today. Before tonight.
MJ: We have got to work today. I know it is Sunday, but you know we have to do it.
Marcus: MJ, can I ask you for a favor? It’s a big one, but I need you to do it anyway.
MJ: Dude, Malia just used almost the same thing on me.
Marcus: It is the exact same thing. I copied and pasted hers.
MJ: it depends. What is it?
Marcus: You always say you would do anything for me.
MJ: Yes. What can I do for you?
Malia: Wait. MJ, get off the toilet first, because I want to video this.
Marcus: Let me know when he’s off. MJ, you mean so much to us. We wanted to tell you or ask you or whatever in person, but you will hound us until we say it. So, we gonna just lay it out there now, and celebrate later?
Malia: He is still on the toilet.
Marcus: Damn man.
MJ: What? Why can’t you just say it now?
Malia: I don’t think he’s had his meds this morning.
MJ: Say it!
Marcus: Kristi grew up without a dad.
Kristi: MJ, will you please give me away?
MJ: No! Give you away to what?
Malia: I’m sure now that he hasn’t had his meds yet.
Kristi: Marcus and I are getting married, and I want you to give me away.
Malia: Kristi. I’d wait. You know how he is without his meds.
MJ: OMG BABY! Kristi, do you want out of Team DD?
Kristi: Malia, MJ is so smart when he is on his meds. He’s half a retard when he isn’t. I want you to walk me down the isle, and then give me away like my father is supposed to do. But I don’t have a father to give me away. My dad knocked my mom up and then split. So seeing as I don’t have a father to walk me down the isle and give me away, you are the closest thing to a father that I have.
Malia: Baby! Answer her.
Kristi: I know I’m a bitch. I know sometimes I can be impossible. I have probably told you to fuck yourself more than anybody else ever has, but will you?
Marcus: She is crying and you know Kristi never cries.
Malia: He fell asleep on the toilet. I’ve got his meds in him. Give it 10 minutes.
Kristi: He better say yes. Do you know how hard this was to ask him? Now I’m waiting 10 minutes because he fell asleep.
Malia: Theres a bright side to it. Sometimes when I’m being a being a bitch for no reason, when its that time of the month, I. dont have to apologize, because he just forgets about it.
MJ: Kristi, I’m sorry I fell asleep. Your father, who ever he is, wherever he is, is a total fucking idiot. He could have had you as a daughter, but instead he chose to not know you, and to run.
I am honored that you asked me to give you away. Of course I will! I also promise to never run away from you. I do love you. Not the same way that I love Malia. What I mean is, I love you like family. I mean it.
Kristi: Thank you. Your turn Marcus.
Marcus: After you give Kristi away, I also want you to be my best man. Will you be my best man.
MJ: Of course. I would do anything for you guys.
Malia: I would bring up the gf thing again Marcus. Just trying to be helpful.
Marcus: We would also like to ask you to be Godfather to little Michael if it’s a boy, or if it’s a girl, Michelle, because that’s as close as it gets to the name Michael, for girls.
MJ: Omg. You are naming your kid after me, and you want me to be Godfather? I’m all kinds of honored and flattered today. Absolutely I’ll do it. Thank you for those honors. It means a lot to me. Is there anything else that you’d like to ask me? I’ll say yes.
Marcus: Ok. I want to be your equal partner on MJT & Team DD.
MJ: I thought you’d never ask! On one condition.
Kristi: I told you there would be a catch.
MJ: You know me so well Krist. You guys have always loved the condo that we live in now. If you were my full/equal partner, you could afford to buy it from us, and live there. My answer is yes, if you will buy our condo, when our new condo upstairs is finished, and we can move in.
Kristi: Really? You are going to give Marcus a full partnership, and we can buy your condo? Baby, if you say no, we are not getting married.
MJ: I’m not “giving” Marcus anything! He earned it. Plus, this keeps you guys locked in to Team DD. And we get to live in the same building.
Marcus: Thank you. You are my hero MJ. My best friend and mentor to. Yes!
MJ: Is 7:30 in the morning to early to celebrate with champagne?
Malia: They call it a mimosa this early baby.
MJ: Sex, then mimosas, for the non prego ones of us.
MJ: There were 2 prego tests in bathroom. Kristi just tested twice, once to confirm, correct?
Malia: Yeah, remember what you said about my increased sense of smell?
MJ: Are we too?
MJ: Holy shit! We’re getting into like best day ever territory here.
Kristi: So sex, not together. Separate. Then breakfast somewhere?
MJ: Sounds like a plan.
Malia: Kristi, I’ll call you in 30ish.
MJ: Our circle lives the weirdest lives.
Malia: You and Marcus are mother fuckers.
MJ: I wish I could high five or fist bump Marcus right now.