MJ: You should have to register your butt as a deadly weapon.
Malia: Ok. I will indulge you baby. Why should I have to register my butt as a deadly weapon?
MJ: Because it is dangerous!
Malia: How so?
MJ: When your little niece came running around the corner, you spun your butt around, she ran into it, and the next thing you know she flew halfway across the room, and she was crying.
Malia: You are exaggerating. She fell down, but she didn’t fly halfway across the room.
MJ: Answer me this. Was she crying?
MJ: Was your butt the weapon that knocked her down and made her cry?
MJ: I rest my case your honor.
Malia: You can go rest your case, because your case won’t be near my “deadly butt weapon” anytime soon. Apparently, my butt is too deadly butt weaponliscious for you.
MJ: I am a professional Malia bootyologist. I can examine the weapon and make sure it is safe.
Malia: Nope! That ship has sailed.
MJ: If I was on the ship with you and it sunk, I would use your butt as a flotation device.
Malia: My butt is driving away then!
MJ: If I was in the car with you and there was a wreck, I would use your butt as an air bag.
Malia: Michael David Johnson! Do you like my butt?
Malia: Do you ever want to see my butt again?
Malia: Then stop messin wiff me! You know what I know?
Malia: I know that no song was ever sung about a flat butt.
MJ: That’s true.
Malia: If I die before you, don’t tell everyone at the funeral that I was an awesome wife because I would have sex with you anytime you wanted to.
MJ: Ok, but that is pretty awesome!
Malia: How much do you think about my body parts during a normal day?
MJ: A lot! The same thoughts go around and around like a broken record. I think about our kids. Then I think about your body parts. Then friends, family, business. Then the kids. Then your body parts again. Then friends, family, business again. It just keeps going like that.
Malia: What about my heart, and our love, and other important things like that?
MJ: That stuff fits into all of the 3 categories.
Malia: Oh yeah, because “That stuff” isn’t very important at all.
MJ: Baby! You know that old song about how stuff is connected.
Malia: Refresh my memory.
MJ: It goes something like, “The heart bone is connected to the vagina bone. The vagina bone is connected to the butt bone, etc.”
Malia: Oh my God. I am married to an adult teenager.
MJ: Do you still love me?
Malia: Yes. I know you are just being silly because you want some of my vagina bone butt bone combo.
Malia: Wait a minute. How is “The heart bone”, which is not a bone at all, connected to “the vagina bone”?
MJ: That’s where the next part of the song comes into play.
MJ: My bone goes in your vagina bone. My heart bone, which is not a heart bone at all, is connected to your heart bone, which is not a heart bone at all when we are having sex. That’s all the bones connected together. Ta da!
Malia: We are posting these texts. This is who INTERPOL wants to send like half their agents to watch, because he is such a risk to Italy’s national security.
Malia: You are a weirdo Mr. Johnson, but you are my weirdo, so let’s connect my vagina bone with your boner bone.
MJ: Oh yeah!
Malia: Wait. Hold up. You said my butt was a deadly weapon earlier. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt or die if my butt turns all Buttzilla on you or something.
MJ: I was just teasing. Your butt is like my favorite part of your whole body.
Malia: Baby! Don’t you mean my heart is your favorite part of my body?
MJ: Well, yeah, but I meant like of parts I can see on the outside.
Malia: Are you just horny and can’t think with any part of your body except your wiener?
Malia: At least you’re honest. I got ready while we were texting.
MJ: Let’s do it Malia!
Malia: Ms. Johnson if you’re nasty!
MJ: Was that a Janet Jackson, before you were born song reference? You probably refer to it as “The oldies”.
Malia: Get your ass up here and put your bone in my vagina before babies wake up and daddy has to play with his own bone!
MJ: Yes ma’am!
“Stimulated! Stimulated! Oh baby!” – https://www.mjtheterrible.com/stimulated-stimulated-oh-baby/