MJ: I’m like milk.
MJ: Because I’ll do your body good! Wanna fool around?
Malia: Do you mean you are like Soy Milk because you will do my body good?
MJ: No! Full milk all the way!
Malia: I am lactose intolerant baby. Milk does my body bad.
MJ: Shit! I did know that, but the pickup line says Milk.
Malia: You can do my good like milk and I will just have diarrhea later.
MJ: Do over! Are you an archaeologist?
MJ: Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.
Malia: I have 206 bones in my body.
Malia: Crap. I messed up. Do over! I have 206 bones in my body. Want to give me another one?
MJ: Yes I do. Are you a campfire? Because you’re hot and I want s’more.
Malia: It must be Christmas because I can’t wait to unwrap your package.
MJ: Are you a washing machine? Because I want to put my load in you.
Malia: Are you a light switch? Because you really turn me on.
MJ: You look like an extremely hard worker and I have an opening that you can fill.
Malia: That’s a girl one baby. I’ll trade you this one- Wanna go on an ate with me? I’ll give you the D later.
MJ: Thank you. I was just copying and pasting pickup lines from a website.
Malia: Me too.
MJ: The truth is, I just want to fool around with you.
Malia: I like that pick up line the best, because it is the truth, and it isn’t a pickup line at all. XOXO
MJ: I love you. You are so beautiful and sexy. You turn me on very much.
Malia: I love being with you Michael David Johnson! I love when you are inside me! I love doing horny stuff with you!
MJ: I have one more line for you.
Malia: No more pickup lines please. I’m really feeling romantical right now, to use your made up word.
MJ: I have one more line for you, and it curves slightly to the left.
Malia: I want your penis line. I don’t want any more word lines.
MJ: I love you and I’m otw to romantical you.
Malia: You aren’t going to probably see this text until after we’re done romanticaling, but I really enjoy kissing you. You are a great kisser.
MJ: I had to duke real quick. Then I’m otw. Thank you for the kiss compliment.
Malia: Baby! I don’t want to hear about your pooping exploits right before we have sex.
MJ: Sorry. I love you!
Malia: At least you are still cute when you are kinda grossing me out.
MJ: I try babycakes.
Malia: I feel like a beached whale today. My belly is getting prego big. Do you still love me?
MJ: I love you no matter what. I think you are beautiful when you are pregnant. You have a glow to you when you are pregnant.
Malia: You just like that my butt gets big, and you can pound me harder without hitting my boney hips.
MJ: That too. I love your big butt.
Malia: I love your big dick.
MJ: That’s why they fit perfectly together.
Malia: Are you done pooping yet? Hurry up!
MJ: 2 minute warning!
Malia: I’ll be waiting. I’ll be the beached whale on the bed.
MJ: I’ll be there. I’ll be Moby Dick The Terrible that harpoons you!
MJ: Moby Dick, like the book.
Malia: How does “The Terrible” fit with like everything?
MJ: I don’t know. It is convenient to use sometimes, in situations like this.
Malia: Poop or wipe or whatever. Stop texting me.
MJ: K. Are you using the sexy perfume lotion combo on me?
Malia: Yes, but just a little bit, because I’m pregnant. How did you know? Can you smell it all the way down there?
MJ: Yeah. I’m pretty much right underneath you at the moment. There is a vent in here, so maybe the vent goes up to the bedroom?
Malia: A little bit goes a long way with Pink Sugar and Ocean Potion Scent of Sunshine sunscreen.
MJ: It’s a sexy combo. It really is.
Malia: I am surprised Pink Sugar perfume and Ocean Potion Scent of Sunshine sunscreen work so well to turn you on.
Malia: When I wear expensive perfume like Dior, Chanel, or Prada, you don’t jump me like you do when I sexy combo you with Pink Sugar and Ocean Potion. I’m just surprised. That’s all.
MJ: I don’t know baby.
Malia: Are you making me wait so I want it more?
Malia: You said 2 minute warning 15 minutes ago! I could have gotten a quick shower, but I sexy comboed because I thought you were going to be up here really quickly.
MJ: Are you still mad because I dominated you in Scrabble.
Malia: Seriously! How do you know words that have multiple x’s and z’s? I have a doctorate from the highest ranked QS ranked ivy league college in the country! I am literally Doctor Malia Johnson! I know I didn’t choose to start a career after college. I chose to be a stay at home wife and mom, but I am smart. You cheated!
MJ: I did not! How could I have cheated?
Malia: I know you didn’t cheat, but I went to an ivy league school, and I graduated at the top of my class! You went to a city college!
MJ: Snob! Why you gotta make fun of my school? Not everybody can be Dupont family offspring, with their family name on everything.
Malia: Hey! You love my family!
MJ: I do. I’m just teasing you because I went to city college, and you made fun of my city college/schooling. MIT is an awesome ivy league school. There is no doubt about that, but the University of Akron, my “City College”, educated me well, I guess.
Malia: Baby I think Dr. Frincke put some extra brain power in your head during your subdural hematoma surgery.
MJ: I would never know if she did, but what makes you think that?
Malia: I knew you before your brain surgery and after your brain surgery. You were really smart before, but after, you are genius brilliant. That is how you cheated. You were performance enhanced. I’m sorry I have to take away your Tour De Scrabble victory Lance Brainstrong The Terrible.
MJ: I’m appealing the decision. Is that what Ivy Leaguers do when they get beat by City Collegers?
Malia: No. You won fair and square. I’m just a dumb dumb.
MJ: You almost beat me! You had me on the run Doctor Johnson!
Malia: Can we tell everyone I beat you? And I really do have my doctorate.
MJ: I know you do. I have seen proof with my own eyes. I have met friends of yours you went to school with, etc. Are you just feeling pregnancy ditsy/crazy right now?
Malia: Yes! It has been 40 minutes. What are you doing in there?
MJ: I have been texting you. My legs are asleep.
Malia: When your legs wake up, are you finally going to make love to me?
MJ: Yes ma’am!
Malia: Remember when I beat you at Scrabble?
MJ: Oh yeah! I love you my smart and sexy queen! I am but a mental midget compared to your ivy league educated masterpiece of a mind. Why do you even keep me around?
Malia: Because you got a big d@&k and you make cute babies. Now bring your tool up here and get to work on my g-spot!
Note- Malia took a nap after we romanticaled each other. (See attached photo)
Sexy Self Defense – https://www.mjtheterrible.com/sexy-self-defense/