Personal Life

The Day Malia and I Met (3-8-2012)

Malia MJ Lana Del Rey JBSA March 8th 2012 Collage

This is my recollection of the first conversation that Malia and I ever had, exactly 9 years ago today.

Our first conversation took place in San Antonio, Texas, at Joint Base San Antonio, on March 8th, 2012.

Malia was a medical intern, who was training/learning about how to treat patients, mentally and physically, so that one day she could become a doctor. At the time, she was leaning towards treating the mind, more than the body, so she had an interest in this crazy guy, who there were all of these rumors flying around about, named Michael Johnson. I didn’t get nicknamed “MJ The Terrible” until 2014, when the rumors of me being the chief architect of the world’s largest computer virus, that almost started World War 3, were flying around the defense/intelligence communities, on what felt like an endless loop.

I was there because the government was still trying to figure out what to do with me, in regards to the crazy rumors that I was allegedly involved in in the creation of Stuxnet, the world’s most powerful computer virus, that was used to attack a nuclear power plant, called the Natanz Plant, in Iran, to destroy/delay Iran’s plans to develop nuclear weapons.

I’m not saying that I had any involvement in the development/implementation of Stuxnet, I know there are some folks out there who think I was the chief architect of it, but let’s not go there on this post, since this post is being written somewhat for historical purposes, but mostly for love purposes.

Note: I was sitting in a building that I was not allowed to leave. Malia came into the building I was in to check on/treat someone who needed medical attention for being sick(drunk).

Malia: Hi, my name is Malia, and I’m here to check on Ms. Grant (Lana Del Rey).

MJ: Ok.

Side note: They were short staffed that day, so they sent Malia, who was an intern at the time, to check on Ms. Grant (Lana Del Rey). At about this time, the medical care team showed up to take care of “Ms. Grant”. Malia stayed behind after they helped Ms. Grant get back to her manager/staff.

After Ms. Grant (Lana Del Rey) and the medical staff left, Malia talked with some of the other personnel that were working in the building for about 10-15 minutes. As she passed back by the room I was in, she poked her head in the door and told me that I had to leave the room/the building, because I was not supposed to be in there.

Okay, the stage is set. Here we go……

Malia: Sir, I am going to have to ask you to leave the building. Please gather your items and vacate the building.

MJ: Ma’am, I can’t do that.

Malia: Sir, do you have a pass to be here?

MJ: No.

Malia: Sir, if you don’t have a pass, you have to leave right now. You can’t be in here.

MJ: I was told by the base commander that if I leave this building I will be arrested.

Malia: Are you in the military?

MJ: No.

Malia: Are you part of the civilian workforce?

MJ: No.

Malia: Are you with Ms. Grant?

MJ: No.

Malia: Sir, get your shit and get out of here now!

MJ: Are you def? I told you I can’t leave!

Malia: I am going to call the MP’s to throw your ass out of here.

MJ: I have a plan. Do you have a card?

Malia: Like an id? Or do you mean like a business card?

MJ: A business card.

Malia: Here.

Side note: She handed me her card.

MJ: What was your name again?

Malia: Malia.

MJ: I was going to leave and take your business card with me. Then when I got arrested, I was going to tell them that you told me to leave, and if they are pissed off I left, that they could go talk to you, but I think that is a bad idea, because I don’t want to go to jail, and I don’t want you to get in trouble.

Malia: Why do you care if I get in trouble?

MJ: I don’t know. You seem like a sweetheart, so I don’t want to sour you.

Malia: Sour me? You think that I’m sweet after I told you to get your shit and get out of here earlier?

MJ: Your hands were shaking when you said it.

Malia: Who are you? You’re not in the military. You don’t work on base. You’re not with Ms. Grant. I don’t get it. Who the fuck are you?

Side note: Miss Wanda, my keeper if you will, who was in the military and close friends with one of Malia’s friends, yelled- “He’s that guy you heard us talking about.”

Malia: You’re the guy that almost started World War 3? You look like an all American boy from Nebraska. You don’t look like the kind of guy who would do something like that.

MJ: Ohio actually. Don’t judge a book by its cover, I guess.

Malia: That is the wrong way to use that phrase. That phrase is supposed to be used in a positive way.

MJ: First you want to kick me out. Now you want to ridicule me. What’s next, are you going to tell someone I sexually harassed you?  

Malia: Not if I like it.

MJ: I am scared of you. Miss Wanda should have yelled that you were ”That girl”, not that I was “That guy”.

Malia: When will you be able to leave here, or are you moving in?

MJ: Malia, I would answer any question that you asked me, but I don’t know the answer to your question.

Malia: If they didn’t arrest you, why can’t you leave?

MJ: I don’t have an answer to that question either.

Malia: Did you do it? You know, make the computer virus, and shoot it and stuff?

MJ: I can’t answer that question.

Malia: Yes, you can. You know what you did and didn’t do.

MJ: Let me rephrase my answer. I am not allowed to answer your question.

Malia: I am going to stay here until you answer the question.

MJ: You promise?

Malia: Yes! Now answer the question!

MJ: I don’t mean that I can’t physically answer the question. I mean that legally I can’t answer the question.

Malia: Oh. Got it. Why did you say, “You promise”? Do you want me to stay with you? I haven’t been very nice to you so far.

MJ: Because you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.

Malia: Uhm. Uh. Do you? Do you mean that or are you trying to get into pants?

MJ: I mean it, and you’re not wearing any pants. You have a dress on. I don’t think you would ever sleep with me. I mean, why would you? I can’t even leave this building. Fuck! I think I broke the world, my world at least. God! I’m going to Guantanamo. I know it.

Malia: As they say, if you break you buy it. Maybe the world will let you set up a payment plan.

Side note: I laughed. It was a real actual laugh. Not a fake laugh, or a fugazi laugh in any way. It was the first time I had laughed in a long time.

Malia: Maybe we could have a cup of coffee sometime.

MJ: No thank you.

Malia: What? I thought I had “the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen”?

MJ: You do. If you asked me to marry you, I would say yes. I love you so much that I am saying no to having a cup of coffee with you, because I feel like you would be wasting your time on me.

Malia: You are crazy, aren’t you! No to a cup of coffee, but you love me, and you would marry me? I need to call Cosmo and tell them I discovered a new kind of man that they haven’t written about yet.

MJ: This may sound crazy, but I feel like I have known you my whole life. I am under endless unrelenting stress, fear, and pressure now though.

Malia: If I agreed to marry you, would you have a cup of coffee with me?

MJ: Marry you? Are you asking me to marry you? I’ve heard women who are that forward can scare a guy off.

Malia: What, you don’t think I’m worth marrying? I am at the top of my class. I am going to be a doctor! And according to you, I have the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen.

MJ: Yes. On one condition.

Malia: Yes, to marrying me or coffee?

MJ: Both.

Side note: Miss Wanda yelled- “Malia! He is married and he is most likely going to Gitmo (Guantanamo Bay) until he takes his last breath.”

Malia: What is the condition?

MJ: That you will never want to be with me. I’m married, and probably going to Guantanamo Bay until I die. I don’t want to hurt you.

Malia: Would you cheat on your wife?

MJ: No.

Malia: Would you be with me if you could?

MJ: Yes.

Malia: I thought you said you would never cheat on your wife?

MJ: This is going to sound crazy too, but her and I got married out of convenience, not love. I love you. It’s different.

Malia: How could you love me? We met 20 minutes ago.

MJ: I don’t know.

Malia: Prove it. Leave with me right now. I will tell anyone who asks that I forced you.

MJ: Okay. Let me “Get my shit” and I’ll leave with you.

Side note: Miss Wanda yelled- “If you step one foot out that door, the beating I will put on you is going to make the beating Rodney King got look like a group hug!”

MJ: I guess I won’t be going anywhere with you tonight. Please leave. I don’t want to hurt you Malia. Please go. Please.

Side note: Malia walked out of the room to talk to Miss Wanda. Then Malia walked back into the room I was in.

Malia: How do you like your coffee?

MJ: Black and hot.

Malia: I’m black. Do you think I’m hot?

MJ: Yes.

Malia: I will be back in 15 minutes. Get your coffee convo ready. This is not a date. This is a pre you are getting a divorce to be with me before we go on a date interview session.

MJ: As long as we get to spend time together, you can call it whatever you want to.

Malia: So, you do wanna get in my pants. You have to know I’m going to put you through the hardest gauntlet you have ever been through before I share my goodies with you.

MJ: Harder than what I’m going through now?

Malia: Oh yeah, I forgot how shitty your life is right now. Well, maybe not that hard, but hard.

MJ: I don’t care. I’m sure it will be worth the wait.

Malia: I would be, or it will be?

MJ: Both

Malia: I don’t know why, but I have this feeling that our futures are together.

MJ: I have the same feeling, but my future is not clear.

Malia: Don’t count yourself out yet. If you are smart enough to create the world’s largest computer virus, you are smart enough to create the world’s largest solution to this problem, and I will help you.

Side note: We talked all night long that night, and talked on the phone, emailed, text, or instant messaged each other at least 2 hours a day, from that day forward until we started living together and got married, minus when the subdural hematoma in my head ruptured and I was in the hospital, but she was there taking care of me the whole time.

After that day, we never left each other’s side again, and we never will, until death does us part.

Malia May Johnson, I wouldn’t be alive today without you! You are my wife, best friend, lover, mother of my children, nurse, doctor, confidant, my right hand wo-man, and just about anything else that one person can be to another person. I love you forever baby cakes!

Happy 9 year anniversary baby! –

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About Michael "MJ The Terrible" Johnson

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