MJ and I met on March 8th, 2012. MJ was going through a lot at the time. He was dealing with the fallout from being the alleged architect of Stuxnet, the world’s first cyber weapon that almost caused World War III. MJ was still married to his first wife. I refer to her as his practice wife, because MJ was basically forced into marrying her, he didn’t believe “the one” was really out there so he settled, and she was anything but what a wife should be. Evil bitches don’t deserve good guys, but that is a whole other story for another day.
MJ and I clicked right away. We both felt like we had known each other for years. He told me he loved me the first day we met. I am not sure I believed him at the time, but there was a Grand Canyon sized spark between us that’s for sure.
We became best friends immediately, but MJ wanted to take things slow relationship wise because of all that was going on. By “take things slow”, I didn’t realize how slow he meant. I’m talking turtle slow, but there were little positive signs along the way.
We were together all the time. Any free time we had we spent it together. We were inseparable, but we were not a couple romantically yet. I knew the reason MJ wanted to take things slow was because he was afraid of me getting hurt by being with him, due to all of the repercussions from the Stuxnet virus wreaking havoc around the world. Things were pretty scary, but I was in love with him, and I knew he was in love with me. I was willing to wait for him.
I was trying to speed things up while he was taking things slowly. MJ kept rejecting me in a way that didn’t hurt my feelings, but it made me sad. We both wanted each other so badly! I tried everything I could think of to show him I was all in no matter what.
We would start to make out and then he would stop and leave the room so it wouldn’t go any farther. We slept together in the same bed almost every night. He would stare at me when I would get a shower, but he wouldn’t get in with me. I was wearing the sexiest lingerie to bed. I wanted it! MJ wanted it! I heard him tell his friend Kevin on the phone that he was jerking off 3 to 5 times a day. I was determined to overcome his hesitancy. My persistence was going to beat his resistance!!
And then there was the day the damn broke and you could just tell MJ had been neglected by his practice wife for years!
On the day it finally happened, MJ was quiet all day long. He ignored me. He was not playful. He did not follow me around like he normally does. At about 5:30 he asked me if I wanted to go eat dinner at Perry’s Steakhouse, which was the first restaurant we ever ate at together.
I went from calm too nervous in a split second. I knew something was up between his quietness and with taking me out to eat at the first restaurant we ate at together.
MJ got all dressed up. He wore a dress shirt, dress pants, and his lucky cowboy boots. I put on a nice dress since MJ dressed up. I felt like we were going to prom together. It was a feeling sort of like that.
MJ was quiet at dinner to. I don’t usually drink very much, but I was nervous, so I drank enough to be tipsy. When I got to the tipsy level, I started being “feisty” as MJ likes to call it when I get that way.
I kept asking him what was wrong, and the tipsier I got, the more feisty aggressive I got. I told him I was going to leave if he didn’t tell me right now what was going on, and I was pretty much being a total bitch at this point.
MJ turned to his left, where I was sitting. He looked right into my eyes, with tears starting to form in his eyes, and said- “I can’t live without you. I love you more than life itself. I would die for you Malia.” Then he got up and went to the restroom.
I went from bitch to breathless. MJ never said he loved me that bluntly before. I could tell he meant every word. It was powerful. It gave me goosebumps.
We paid right before that happened, so when he got back from the bathroom, he walked up to the table, and extended his hand to hold my hand, to help me up in a very chivalrous/romantic way.
We walked to the valet holding hands. We waited at the valet stand holding hands. He held my hand and didn’t let go besides when we were getting out of the car until we were inside the condo.
MJ asked me to please go to the bedroom and wait for him there. I went to the bedroom and waited for him like he had asked me to. I was nervous. MJ paced the floor in his cowboy boots for a few minutes while he was basically talking to himself about me, but loud enough for me to hear it.
Here is what I remember him saying- “God, I love her more than anything, but I don’t deserve her. I killed thousands of people with the cyber weapon I created. Am I allowed to be happy with all the damage that I have cause? God, I love her. I want to be with Malia more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life. Will you please give me a sign that it is okay to be with her? My life is such a mess, and I will never forgive myself if I ruin the angel that I loves life. Please send me a sign God. Please!”
I so wanted to say something, but I didn’t. I just waited and hoped he would make the decision to be with me.
I could see him in the reflection on the windows. He stopped pacing and talking. He was looking out the window. He started nodding his head up and down like he was listening to music. Then he yelled “Fuck it!”, and I could hear his loud boot stomps running towards me.
He tackled me onto the bed and was laying on top of me. We were looking into each other’s eyes and here was the conversation we whispered/talked softly to each other.
MJ: My life is a total shit show. I have no idea what my future will look like, or if I even have a future. What I do know is I love you more than anything in the world, and I will give you all of the love I have to give until my heart stops beating or the government ships me off to Guantanamo Bay.
Me: I can live with that.
MJ: I have to tell you something before we can be together. I did do what they are saying that I did. Thousands of people lost their lives because of me. It haunts me Malia. Someday the history books will reveal the truth, but until then, I will be public enemy #1 at every intelligence agency and international law enforcement agency in the world.
Me: Baby, I have heard the nightmares you have about it probably 100 times or more. You yell and scream and relive all of it night after night out loud in your sleep. You sweat through your clothes. Why do you think I wash the sheets so much? When you wake up from your nightmare screaming at the top of your lungs and you think I am asleep, I’m not. I hear you get up and go sit in the shower and cry your eyes out for hours. Bad guys don’t do that.
MJ: I’m sorry. The last thing I want is to cause you any worry or problems. It is my cross to bear.
You hear about these serial killers who kill like 10 people, and they are talked about like they are the worst monsters who ever lived. The weapon I created is responsible for the death of thousands of people, most of them innocent civilians, so what does that make me?
Me: It is not your fault. You did not unleash the weapon you created on the world. You created it as a deterrent. You had no idea it was going to be used as an offensive weapon.
MJ: How do you know that? I have never told you about it and the operation is classified.
Me: You relive it in your nightmares almost every single night. I have from the time you yell “Get your fucking hands off me! No! Brittany! Help me! No! Ahhhhhh!!”, forward, memorized.
MJ: You know classified information. We can’t risk it getting out. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to kill you.
Me: Can we have sex first because I feel like I am going to explode I’m so wet and horny for you!
MJ: You aren’t afraid I will really do it?
Me: Would you trade your life to save the innocent people who lost their lives due to the weapon you created?
Me: Would you trade your life for mine if someone was threatening to kill me?
Me: You are the definition of a hero. You are Captain Fucking America, you know, with a bad boy twist of course, but still. Make love to me. Can you move to your right some? Your hip bone is hurting me.
MJ: Baby, that is not my hip bone.
Me: Is that your__________? (I didn’t actually say the word.)
MJ: Uh huh.
Note- We kissed each other, and no more words were said until after we did it/made love/had sex.
This is the conversation we had after we finished.
MJ: Oh my God! Holy shit! That was like the best shit ever! I think this was the first time I have ever had sex. I must have been doing it wrong before, because it has never felt that friggin good! I mean that was like the best shit that has ever happened ever! I mean I’m not a doctor or anything, but I think your vagina could be the cure for cancer!
Me: It was better than all of the times I touched myself fantasizing about it.
MJ: I’m not trying to be greedy here, but do you think we could do it again sometime soon?
Me: What do you mean by greedy?
MJ: Never mind. It’s okay. That was the best orgasm I have ever had. My whole body feels like it orgasmed. I won’t be greedy. I can wait.
Me: What do you mean? Please tell me. I want to know what you mean by you won’t be greedy and you can wait. I don’t understand. Be greedy about what, and you can wait for what?
MJ: I don’t want to say it because you are going to laugh at me.
Me: I promise I won’t laugh. I genuinely want to know. You can tell me anything baby.
MJ: Ok. By being greedy/I can wait, I mean that my practice wife(MJ’s first wife who literally has to be in the top 5 worst wives of all time) would basically ration out sex maybe a few times a year, and would make me feel guilty about it, like I was forcing her to do something awful or something.
Right now, the love making we just did, was the best sex I have ever had. I enjoyed it so much. I know women don’t like to have sex very much, so I don’t want to overdo it.
Me: That is one of the saddest things I have ever heard baby. I am so glad your practice wife sucked so bad. If she wasn’t such an evil selfish psycho bitch you might still be with her, and then we wouldn’t be together.
Rationing out sex a few times a year and making you feel guilty about it, that is only your ex Gotye. One day she is going to wake up out of her self-induced Xanax Zombie midlife crisis pity party and realize she lost an amazing guy. That’s on her!
MJ: Do you think we can have sex at least once a month maybe?
Me: Why do you only want to have sex once a month?
MJ: Baby, I would have sex with you every day if I could. I would have a smile on my face ear to ear. Your vagina to me is probably like what heroin is to a drug addict.
Me: Let’s have sex every day! I would love that. You made me cum 2 or 3 times. My second orgasm lasted for probably a minute. I’m not sure if it was a really long orgasm or if it was 2 orgasms back to back. Women love to have sex as much as men do. Your first wife was a drug addict who used you and took out all of her self-hate on you. I will have sex with you any time you want to. You make me so happy and I want to make you happy right back.
MJ: What if I wanted to do it again right now?
Me: Do you wanna do it again right now?
MJ: If I say yes, can we?
Me: First of all, you are already inside me. You never pulled out. You just got hard again. So technically we are having sex right now.
MJ: But this is like inya time. Sex is like inya time plus motion.
Me: I am so happy right now. You are the find of a century. I am going to spoil you rotten.
MJ: So, can we?
Me: Can we have sex again?
Me: Baby! You are inside of me right now! I want to take this worry off of your mind, so you don’t have to keep asking me every time you want to have sex. It’s the weekend now, and you don’t have to be anywhere until Monday. We can have sex for 2 straight days if you want to.
MJ: What’s the catch?
Me: I don’t know. I guess the catch is that we are going to need to eat and sleep some in between all the sex, but those are the only catches I can think of.
MJ: Why did we wait so long to start having sex? We could have been doing this for a long time! There would be so much less stress with lots of sex.
Me: Baby, I wanted to. I tried to get you to have sex with me 6 months ago! I didn’t know you thought sex more than 3 times a year was illegal.
MJ: I’m inside you right now.
Me: I’ve noticed. You can stay inside me for as long as you want to. We have been having sex for over an hour.
MJ: Half that time was inya time. Do you want to have sex again and then do inya time again?
Me: January 4th is one of the best days ever! Sex and then inme time is the best idea I have heard all day.
This is the conversation we had after the second time we did it.
Me: I liked the second time more than the first. Wow baby. I want to break all of your sex records.
MJ: I still can’t believe I get to have sex with you anytime I want to. That is unfreakin believable news! No one would believe me if I told them.
Me: Baby! Don’t tell everyone about our sexy business. I can tell we are going to need some towels to sop up all the years of pent up no sex with your practice wife goo that is coming out of your goo gun.
MJ: It’s your fault. You are the one bringing it out of me!
Me: I want to break all of your sex records baby.
MJ: Well you are off to a good start. You have already given me the best 2 orgasms of my life, and we are probably close to having more sex today than my practice wife and I had during our entire relationship.
Me: I could really get used to this sex then inya time, then sex then inya time routine. I have a confession.
MJ: Baby no! Today has been one of the best days of my life. Please don’t shit on it.
Me: It is good news. Remember during the last inya time when you kept reaching to get stuff we needed that was on the floor?
Me: I had an orgasm when you were doing that. You got so deep and were rubbing things so much my body loved it.
MJ: I’m calling that a Rando.
Me: What is a Rando?
MJ: A random orgasm. An orgasm that comes out of nowhere.
Malia: A Rando. I like it. You are still inside me.
MJ: Baby, you messed up.
MJ: You told me we can have sex anytime I want to, so I’m moving in!
Me: To my vagina?
MJ: Yeah. I love your nodule. It’s sexy. It’s like the mole on Cindy Crawford’s face, on your vagine.
Me: Baby do you really like my nodule?
MJ: I love your nodge!
Me: My nodule already has a nickname. Good lord. You messed up baby.
MJ: How so?
Me: What if I want sex? Girls get horny to.
MJ: I don’t understand.
Me: You don’t understand that girls get horny to?
MJ: I do understand that. What I don’t understand is how I messed up.
Me: It’s like this. What if I feel like having sex and you don’t? Do you see the problem?
MJ: Baby, that is not a problem! If that is considered a problem, then that is the best problem I could ever have.
Me: Good answer. I feel like bringing something up, but I don’t want to ruin the mood.
MJ: I am in the best most relaxed mood. I don’t think you could ruin the mood baby cakes.
Me: I love it when you call me that. Ok, I hope not. I am not on birth control and you aren’t wearing a condom. What if I get pregnant?
MJ: I love you. If you get pregnant we would have the baby, right?
Me: Yes, but I would like to get married before we have a baby.
MJ: I am completely and totally in love with you and I love kids. Making babies and marrying you and having babies sounds great to me. My only worry is that my future is uncertain at the moment.
Me: Baby, you are a hero. The truth will come out some day, and you will be recognized for being the hero that you are. In time this uncertainty will go away, and we will live happily ever after.
MJ: I don’t like wearing condoms, but I will if you want me to. How do you know I don’t have an STD?
Me: Baby, I have read and reviewed your medical records. I interned at the hospital where your medical records are. I am okay having sex without protection if you will marry me if I get pregnant.
MJ: Oh yeah. I forgot that for a second. I want to marry you whether you are pregnant or not. I can’t imagine my future without you in it.
Me: Good. What if I have an STD?
MJ: You are the cleanest, most loving, and caring person I have ever known. You don’t do drugs. You don’t smoke. You rarely drink. You have told me about the guys you have been with. I don’t think you do, and if you did, you would have told me about it.
Me: I don’t have an STD. You’re right. I would have told you about it.
MJ: You wanna do it one more time, and then watch a movie until we fall asleep?
Me: Baby, you are still inside me! Inya time is technically still sex, but we can pretend inya time and sex are different if you want to. I feel like you divide inya time and sex because you are worried that I will restrict sex, but I won’t do that. I want to have sex with you! I want you to be sexually satisfied! Now turn this inya time into sex, and then let’s watch a movie until we fall asleep in each other’s arms.
MJ fell asleep after we finished with a smile on his face. He even had a smile on his while he was sleeping. I was happy to, and MJ being happy made me even happier!
Note- When I decided to write this post, I couldn’t remember the exact day we first had sex. I knew it was in January, but I couldn’t remember the exact day. I decided to ask MJ to see if he remembered. Here was his answer- “January 4th. We went to eat at Perry’s about 6 o’clock. We got home about 8. I remember looking at the clock right before we did it. It was 8:23 pm. That was an awesome day. And you kept your promise that we can have sex anytime I want to. Thank you. I love you baby cakes!”
Malia and Michael “MJ The Terrible” Johnson Love Collection – https://www.mjtheterrible.com/maliaandmichaelmjtheterriblejohnsonlovecollection/