Personal Life

“What If” Zombie Apocalypse and MLK Day Snuckin

Malia and MJ Kiss at W Hotel Concert in Austin Texas

Tarica, will you post Malia and I’s sexcapades MLK day texts, because I’m a little busy right now. You’re the best! Mean it! Best, MJ

Tarica: Have fun today guys. Chris and I are doing what you guys are doing today, tomorrow. Rock out out with your sex parts out Mali J and MJ!

MJ: Baby why did you email me the article about loving a broken woman

Malia: Because I am a broken woman.

MJ: Is this a test?

Malia: Smart man!

MJ: I’m really horny. Can this end in sex?

Malia: Me being a broken woman is going to catch up to us. 

MJ: Baby, WTF? You are awesome at everything. You are smart, pretty, sexy, loving, loyal, a great mom, and well, everything.

Malia: Do you think I’m being dramatic?

MJ: A test and a trap, all at the same time? Wow! I’m scared to see what’s next.

Malia: If you will admit that I’m a broken woman, we can have sex.

MJ: Omg! It’s also a mind fuck! It’s a trifecta!

Malia: Tell me I’m broken, and you can do whatever you want to me.

MJ: Baby, I think you are amazing! I would be lying if I said you were broken, because you’re not. 

Malia: Not even a little bit broken?

MJ: Well, maybe a little bit.

Malia: What? How am I broken?

MJ: For making me take this month’s Cosmo test or whatever this is.

Malia: 🙁

MJ: I am only teasing with you. I don’t really mind that much, but I wish you could see you the way that I see you, because you would know just how loved and amazing you are. So unless the definition of broken has changed, you don’t need any fixes, because you are the exact opposite of broken!

Malia: Are you still horny? 

MJ: Yes.

Malia: Okay.

MJ: ……..

Malia: I’m too broken to help you out with your horny problem.

MJ: I’m so horny I’m going to fuck you broken!

Malia: Bring your blue balls to me. I will fix the problem.

MJ: You know I would love you if you were broken right?

Malia: I do. That’s why I feel comfortable talking to you about stuff. 

MJ: Here’s what I think. I’ve said this before and I mean it. I may not know/fully understand what it means to be “emotionally unstable” or whatever it was you asked me about the other day, but we talk about everything, work things out, have fun together, and we fit. So label it whatever you want to, but I think we are as good together as any couple is. 

Malia: I read what you said but I wanted to google “emotionally unstable”. It’s emotionally unavailable, not emotionally unstable. After looking up emotionally unstable, let’s not be that either. 

MJ: Agreed.

Malia: Are your balls still blue, or are they purple now because you had to wait 10 minutes?

MJ: I don’t know if balls actually get blue or purple. Thank you for making sure I don’t have to find out.

Malia: I think it’s just an expression. 

MJ: I’m horny! Not an expression! It is a statement of fact!

Malia: Wet, willing, able and open! Hey, I have a serious question for you first. If there was a zombie apocalypse, and I got bitten and turned into a zombie, would you still try to bang me?

MJ: Probably, because I think I would only turn into a zombie if you bit me. I would have to push your face into the pillow though, because you would probably be trying to bite me. If you were a zombie though, I would probably want to be one to, so I would want you to bite me. If we were both zombies, then we could zombie bang without the risk of either one of us catching zombie covid or whatever. 

Malia: I can tell you have thought about how we could have sex if there was a zombie apocalypse. 

MJ: I bet you would be a hot zombie. You would become Zalia. Would you still breast feed our babies if you were a zombie?

Malia: You would become “Zombie The Terrible”. Probably not. If I was a zombie and our babies weren’t, I would probably think of our babies like they were chicken wings and try to eat them. I hope not though. I would like to think my motherly instincts would kick in and I would be a loving and protective zombie momma!

MJ: What if I was a zombie and you weren’t? Would you still want to have sex with me?

Malia: Definitely! 

MJ: Wouldn’t you be worried about me biting you if I was a zombie?

Malia: Not at all. I would hide your Adderall. You would be lost, and I could still make sure my zombie husband was sexually satisfied. 

MJ: Ha! Ha! 

Malia: You know I’m just teasing you. Kind of! I love you baby! This is the last day I have you all to myself for a while, so I want all of you that I can get today! Your mom will be here in 20 minutes. Snuckin begins in approximately 25 minutes. 

MJ: Snuckin?

Malia: Snuggling that turns into f@$king!

MJ: Got it! I am ready to handle our snuckin business baby cakes!

Malia: I love it when you call me that.

MJ: Marriage is the best trap ever!

Malia: What? What do you mean marriage is the best trap ever? 

MJ: Because you get to have sex anytime you want to! You’re always there to have sex with me. I’m just saying that being married is pretty friggin awesome! There are a shit ton of benefits to it. That’s all I’m sayin. 

Malia: I am glad I speak MJ, because I can take that for the compliment that is intended to be. Not all marriages are like ours. I think we are very lucky to have found each other. Now snuckin begins in about 10 minutes. I’m done texting for now. I need to get stuff ready for your mom. I’m ready to spend MLK day the way it was intended to be spent, on racial relations. Get it? You’re white and I’m black, and we are mixing and connecting and shit. Ok! I’m done texting for now. I love you and bye. 

MJ: I love you too and bye. 

Malia: P.S. I am so in love with you Michael David Johnson!

In Honor of The One and Only Martin Luther King Jr –

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About Michael "MJ The Terrible" Johnson

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